Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My Last Class WIth Kristen

For as long as I can remember, me and Kristen Hull have been making fun of people in our classes. As I sit in my last class with her, ever, I can't help but look back on some of the people we have nicknamed.

First, there was the Million Muffin Man. It was a man in one of our classes that we decided could eat one million muffins. To make it worse, he wore a backpack that only a six year old should wear. It made him look even larger.

Then, there was Lobes.  We had a professor who had earlobes that were the size of silver dollars. He was a jolly man and it seemed as though he had come to terms with his earlobes.

Next, there was Midget Face. The problem with midget face is that both of us were talking about different people. This means that we had two different people in the same class who had midget faces. I have heard that you can no longer call people midgets but I can't come up with a better alternative. When she told me who her midget face was, I agreed and we moved on.

I'm sure there were more, but I can't think of them. I will miss these days, and I will have to learn to cope with giving people nicknames alone. Maybe with the rise of technology I can take Kristen to class with me electronically and we can continue the madness.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Wine and Cheese its

You know it's going to be a bad week when you find yourself at your local publix buying jug wine and cheese-its.... in bulk. That was me, yesterday. Here I am, broke, dumped, and ready to start my liquid diet. I keep trying to look at the positives in this situation.
Positives: 1. I have an excuse to drink at 12:00 P.M. 2. I have an excuse to not shower. 3. I have lost 6 pounds on my liquid diet. .....
Negatives: 1. I am becoming an alcoholic. 2. I smell like a rat's ass. 3. I will be putting that six pounds back on as soon as an attractive Puerto Rican man winks at me.

But you know-considering this past week, I'm doing well. I moved back into my mother's house, and really there is nothing better than having a mother that will always take you back and make you feel at home.  She is so excited about it, she even made it her facebook status.  I will be living at home, starting at a new job, and hanging with my old friends.  I feel it's necessary to start blogging because single people have stories. Married people or people in serious relationships think that they have funny stories-but they don't. My dabblings with straight men, gay men, and straight women who act like gay men are stories that need to be told. I look back on times in my life when I have been single, and I can't help but laugh because men are, in general, a huge disappointment.  I hate to say that, but I can back up that statement. Me and my friend Kristen were looking at okcupid.com yesterday in our American Foreign Policy class (because who in hell needs to know about America's foreign policies...) and the men on there were terrifying.
Exhibit A: One man, named "PickachuTattoo" was asked on his profile, "What are six things that you are good at?" He wrote..
I’m really good at
1. Cooking
2. Cunnilingus
3. Throwing a football
4. Air drumming/ guitar
5. Writing papers... it's more of a curse, actually.
6. Smoking
7. Describing things in humorous ways
8. Call of Duty
9. Singing
10. Presenting myself
................Let's start with number 2. "Cunnlingus." What the hell. I am creeped out by anyone who writes in their profile that they like performing oral sex. Mainly because that is not something you broadcast. I'm not the classiest person, but come on.  Now lets move right on to number 10. "Presenting Myself".  I feel like he is talking Pee Wee Herman style "presentation" of his junk.  Really, he is just a piece of shit and this scares me. This is why men are disappointing and I am terrified to date again.  I just know the person I date next is going to be the Craigslist Killer.
God Help Me.